the deep, dark hole of springtime
April 16, 2009
I’ve been slowly crawling out of the deep, dark hole of my annual springtime depression. For as long as I’ve been living with depression – indeed, for as long as I can remember – the months of February, March and April have always been the worst. For some reason, the emergence of the sun and warmer days makes me feel worse, not better. Perhaps it’s the notion that I should be enjoying the season but that for some reason, I just can’t, that makes me feel so rotten. This year, the whole dark cloud started a bit earlier than usual, and maybe that’s why I’m starting to feel better earlier than in most years.
That being said, I’ve been feeling worse physically since my mental and emotional recovery. Last week, I had what I suspect was a mild case of food poisoning. I say mild because I didn’t spend entire nights or days on the bathroom floor, much less the hospital. But I did spend entire days in bed, forcing myself to sip water and nibble on pretzels and cursing the fact that you can’t buy Saltines in Germany. The closest thing is zwieback, which is like teething biscuits and just isn’t the same.
But even that is starting to get better, and I hope to be writing a lot more very soon. There are updates on my breastfeeding experience, new book reviews, some potty training insights and a few “how-to” posts coming up in the near future. So stay tuned!
I seldom hear other people articulate exactly how I feel about nice weather when I’m depressed. When I was younger, I remember lying in bed during beautiful spring days when the rest of the world was out celebrating the sun. That of course only made me feel worse about myself. I hope your clouds lift soon.